Saturday, February 21, 2015


Wow!!!! 1 More week and I'm OFFICIALLY 2 MONTHS!!! Hahahahaha! 

I'm so thankful/grateful/blessed for the CNY holidays and I managed to rest for 2 weeks, AT LEAST! I haven't been working AT ALL. Been lying on my back, watching TV, vomiting, eating and visiting my parents and sleeping. 

SO, here's a summary of what has been going on with my body!

1) My breast are horribly sore and painful. I have problems sleeping on my side right now. 
While reading all these pregnancy books, I find that it's only gonna be worst! FML. 

2) Haven't really been vomiting that much but that's also cause I haven't exactly been eating that much also. 

3) Still feeling very nauseous and I really hope this feeling goes away by the 2nd trimester. 

4) I burp and fart so much and it's uncontrollable. It's embarrassing and if it happens in public, I blame the husband! HAHAHAH! He's already guilty cause he's black and I don't mind letting him take the blame for releasing noxious gas in public.

5) There's so many CNY cookies that I would love to eat but I really have no appetite for them. I love eating and I cannot wait for the time I'm gonna be eating for two! 

6) I'm still tired most of the time, I normally have a short nap at about 3PM. Those who knows me, knows that I don't nap, AT ALL. 

7) I'm still having vivid dreams and just last night, I dreamt that I wrangled a huge ass snake! It was pretty scary!

8) I'm being very careful of the baby. I'm so scared if anything happens to the baby. But, I'm only human, what can I do? Read the Bible and decided to leave it to God. He blessed us with a miracle (Will explain why later) and He will keep us safe. 

9) I enjoy looking at baby things. And just ordered my baby journal! :)

10) I got pretty crazy. Been shouting and hurling abuses at the hubby these past 2 days. I hate myself for it and all he was trying to do was give me hugs and kisses. 


1) I've ALWAYS had hormone imbalance. Since FOREVER. Drs told me countless times that it's going to be hard to conceive. 

2) I'm a horrible, disgusting and ungrateful sinner. If I was God, I would hate me. 

3)  The baby was an answer to my prayers because I lost my direction in life. 

4) I could've destroyed the baby in its 1st month of developement should I have heeded the advice of my OB-GYN and didn't listen to God. 

5) God has been keeping the baby safe through amazing ways. All I can do is, my best for the baby.

6) All babies are miracles from God. I know that now. 

7) I may not like babies and might even be afraid of them, but, I have a feeling that I will love this one to bits and I will be willing to die for it.

8) I was off the pill for less than a year after being on the pill for 4 years. Read so many articles that it will be hard to conceive since I was on the pill for quite some time. 

9) I shall continue this once my mind is more clear. 

Monday, February 16, 2015


So, for the past 2 months now, I've been "suffering" from:

1) Sore and tender breasts and nipples. 
2) Very lethargic and no energy whatsoever. 
3) Nauseous. 

And I did at least 7 home pregnancy tests and even went to my gynae for a check up. EVERYTHING WAS NEGATIVE! EVEN THE ULTRASOUND WAS NEGATIVE! My gynae then, gave me a pack of medication that will make me menstruate but somehow, I didn't take it. 

I just had a feeling and it felt so horrible that everything was coming out negative and me and The Hubby was the only one who knew I was pregnant. 

Last Monday things turned even worst! These are my symptoms.

 1) Vomiting. (Nearly vomited on my student on the way to work)
 2) Headaches. (Could barely wake up in the morning)
 3) Extremely sore breasts and painful nipples. 
 4) My skirts no longer fit. 
 5) Nauseous. 
 6) Loss of appetite. 
 7) Constantly hungry. 
 8) Changes in appetite. 
 9) Horribly vivid dreams. 

So, This morning, I just peed on a stick and I was used to seeing negatives, I was sooo shocked to see a positive! 

Rushed to the hospital and did an ultrasound and lo and behold, IT'S A LITTLE DOT!!!

We've never been so excited about a little dot. 

God has been so good to us. 

I've been praying that I'm His sheep and I want Him to be my Shepherd. 

I didn't have money for my PhD and I was worried about my myriad of health problems that will hinder pregnancies and I constantly pray that He will be my Shepherd and He will lead me. I will follow His will. 

As I was lying there for my ultrasound and the dr, asked The Hubby to come and see his child, The Hubby had this extremely excited and happy look on his face. 

I haven't fully grasped the enormity of this pregnancy yet, so, I'm still calm.

Right now, I'm still feeling so sick from all these vomiting and lack of energy. 

My next appointment with my dr is in March. Hope to post baby's first pictures then!  

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Random Rants

I get really uncomfortable whenever anyone asks about my opinion on Malaysia politics. This recent conversation made me extraordinarily uncomfortable that I felt the need to write it down: 

So-and-so: What did you study for your Masters?
Me: Political Science / International Relations.
So-and-so: Waaah!!!! What do you think of Malaysia politics?
Me: *facepalm* Erm, I'm not interested in Malaysian politics. It's a satirical comedy. 
So-and-so: Then why did you waste your parents money to study so much??? Malaysian politics not good enough ah?
Me: I'm just, more interested in Terrorism and Diplomacy. My research paper was on terrorism and counter terrorism in Africa. We live in a big world, Malaysian politics isn't EVERYTHING we learn! 
So-and-so: Ahhh.... No wonder, you're a lecturer!!! 

SIGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Trust me, I don't get it as well. 

If I'm going to go all technical using Economics analogy, Malaysian politics is "micro-politics" and I'm more interested in "Macro-politics". How the world works and how globalisation has made all countries interdependent of each other. 

I'm blessed enough to be able to be the pioneer batch for The University of Nottingham's Masters in International Relations program. 

I highly recommend this program to everyone that has an interest in International Relations. The course really broadened my views and I never could fathom how or why I would be so interested in IR. 

Recently, I just applied to do my PhD in the University of Bucharest, Berlin because I personally, feel that, there's so much of negativity in the world. I just want to make a difference. 

Even though, I haven't written any papers in 2 years, I still read research papers/ academic journals 
and I'm still pretty much up-to-date with all the researches and think tanks that are managing crisis. 

I'm very passionate about this topic and coming from an middle income family, I have next to nothing to fund my PhD. I need about RM100,000 for 3 years just for tuition fees. I plan to apply for a scholarship to fund my living expenses. 

My lovely mother, on the other hand, has drew a line at my Masters and I have to find 100k by July to fund my studies. 

You must be wondering why I choose Berlin, well, because it's a 3 years PhD programme and I just have to spend 1 year there and for Year 2 and Year 3, I spend about a month or so in campus. Classes and prep for my paper, will be done within a year. It's flexible and I fulfil all the requirements. 

I'm really praying for a miracle for the funds! Would you help me? In return, I will write a heartfelt gratitude to you in my thesis paper. Pretty please? 

Right now, here's how I'm feeling!

I got this pretty picture from ChristianMotivations

Friday, December 19, 2014

Make Up Organizer

Been shopping for a make up organizer cause The Hubby has been complaining that the dressing table is filled with "Clutter"! He's calling my Chanel/Givenchy/Guerlain make up, "clutter". When I didn't have any make up, and it was only my skincare, it was bearable. But space was never enough! 

I've seen one that I liked very much but the person selling it wasn't that friendly and took too long to reply even though it was cheap. If I was more patient, I would've waited but, my make up stuff was really out of control. You can view it HERE. I checked with her, and yes, she still have stock, as of December 2014. It costs RM120 AND SHIPPING IS RM25 (EAST MALAYSIA) AND RM20 (WEST MALAYSIA) 

Next, I saw the Glam Caddy (RM59) on Rakuten and I liked it too because it's like a beautiful stand that you find at Parkson where they display all their make up and stuff. I like feeling like I'm shopping for my make up in the morning. The only difference is, I own it. HAHAHAH. Call me weird. 

I didn't buy this because I watched the video and the thing squeaks. Like, it squeaks, every time you turn it and I don't like it. I even read some reviews HERE and some complained of flimsy plastic/ not sturdy/etc. 

Then, while searching #makeuporganizer, I found Romana on Instagram and her  FACEBOOK and she brings in these amazing makeup organizers. I bought it because it's sturdy, made from acrylic and NOT PLASTIC. and the finishings on the product is extremely beautiful. It's made in Taiwan and it's very high quality. I got this at Parkson in Pavillion for RM160 (5% Tourist Discount from Hubby) so I paid RM152 ONLY. 

I love the little lipstick holders that makes my sad excuse of a dressing table look like the display countertops at Parkson! I'm growing my lipstick collection and I love Chanel's so, it's going to take some time. But it has ample space and it's just gorgeous!

Here's some pictures of a filled makeup organizer. I have space for everything and even more for my collection to grow! And this includes some of hubby's barang "solek"! HAHAHAHAH!!! OH! I'm also trying to phase out my ecotools and only use Bobbi Brown's brushes. I have to say that Bobbi Brown Brushes are extremely useful to me and I will write another post soon. 

So, if you're in Malaysia and you need makeup storage, hope this post helps!

Or, you can also check MUJI out! 

Monday, December 15, 2014

Make Up Haul: Givenchy/MAC/Guerlain/CLINIQUE/Bobbi Brown (SEPHORA MALAYSIA)

The first thing I saw when I opened Facebook was this beautiful image from Sephora Malaysia Facebook!

I was on the lookout for a Bright Red Lipstick and a Blush so, I thought, What the hell! Such a great deal!!!

So, here's my haul!!!! I'm soooo into make up currently, and it's a gradual process. I've always used Sunblock, Liquid Foundation and Powder and since my health deteriorated on me, I've been looking paler than Edward Cullen. The Hubby even said that I looked like a corpse!!! 

I got the Lipstick in 306 and Blush in Vintage Pink. And yesss!!!!! I got my Les Mini Prismes!!!!!

I've even added a courtesy/embarrassing BEFORE and AFTER picture. 

Besides my Sephora haul, I realised that I needed good brushes and I've been loving Ecotools brushes since like, forever!!!! So, I got them at iHerb and yes, they do SHIP TO MALAYSIA!!! 

So, here's my Ecotools haul and I'm a tad disappointed because The Skin Perfecting Brush was pokey and I sold my Fresh & Flawless Set because the website did not mention that it's smaller than the normal brushes and the only brush that I use with the Givenchy blush was the Tapered Blush Brush. 

Here's the height difference between the normal brush and the Fresh & Flawless Set. 

Not a big deal to some, but Yes, I have chronic OCD and it everything has to be aligned and equal. I used only bamboo brushes and combs and my combs have to be from Body Shop the Bamboo ones. But Thank God, I managed to sell it off to a nice girl in Kuantan within 3 days of posting it on Instagram! 

So, here's my everyday look so that I don't look so corpse-y. Liquid Foundation and Compact from Chanel, Illuminating Meteorite Pearls from Guerlain, Lipstick in Boy from Chanel, Lipstick in 3016 from Givenchy, Contour Powder from MAC and Tarte Mascara. The Givenchy Mini Prisme Trio is just for show. Such a waste to use it but, when I move into my new office, then, will put it there for touch up. 

After reading so many reviews especially HERE. One factor that sets it apart and prompted me to purchase this, is the fact that it's OPHTHALMOLOGIST TESTED! I thought that, if I'm going to use make up products near my eyes with some probability of the products going into my eyes, might as well make it OK. Hence, I got this. 

This is my Clinique Brush On Eye Liner in True Black (RM75) and a really awesome product! Not exactly cheapest compared to Bobbi Brown/ Chanel but it does a very good job and what more could I ask? OPHTHALMOLOGIST TESTED! 

It comes with a little brush but trust me, it's not a good brush. I had to buy a separate brush from Bobbi Brown. The liner is fuss free, easy to spread, fast drying and everything you would expect in an eye liner and maybe more! 

This was the perfect eye liner brush. I got the Ultra Fine Eye Liner Brush (RM100) and it was amazing!!!! It goes so well with the eye liner and its makes a perfect line with just one swipe!!!! Definitely worth the buy! 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

My Short MiniMoon & Flamingo By The Beach HAUNTED!

 After the whole fiasco of a wedding, Hubby decided to go to Penang for a short minimoon since our first holiday was in Penang, We had dinner at such a romantic restaurant called Tree Monkey that was so remote, it wasn't listed on Waze or the BMW's GPS. 

And things just didn't go our way since, I literally danced till I couldn't walk anymore and I needed lots and lots of bed rest. Then, I was so stressed that I got mothafucking Candida!!!!! Seriously, fuck my life! 

And we got a fucking haunted hotel room where we were both "attacked" and many weird things happening like, I was nearly crushed by a falling banister, yes, a whole piece of metal missed me, by cms! and someone from Citibank kept calling me and, I have no business with Citibank nor did the phone even rang and we were in our room. 

Anyways, the hotel was Flamingo By The Beach, Penang. We actually stayed here because we stayed here on our first trip together and we wanted to come back and sadly, all the did was to change our room when we complained about the "attacks". 

What happened was: It was in the afternoon, when The Hubby was sleeping and I was reading and watching the TV. I heard him mumble, "Who are you?" "What are you doing here?" in a shocked manner and I couldn't wake him up and he was struggling. As I tried to open the sliding door to the balcony, a huge chunk of metal fell and missed me by centimetres and the crash was loud enough to wake The Hubby up. 

He later told me that he saw a fair skinned man, sitting on the edge of our bed, looking at us, wearing a white long sleeved shirt, tucked into a khaki pants. He looked like those British India people. When my husband asked him "Who are you?" The entity refused to reply but, he just looked at us with a distant look in his eyes. And The Hubby couldn't move. He felt as if he was held down.

Me, being the scientific person told him about Sleep Paralysis which some people might associate with evil spirits and demonic entity, but it's actually just a psychological thing. In a nutshell, your body shuts down but your brain is still awake and  I kept telling him about that. And I dismissed him entirely. 

Until at night, when I just fell asleep, I saw the same British India fair skinned man and I couldn't move. In fact, I saw a shadow on top of me holding my shoulders down to the bed and I kept scratching at it until I thought about Jesus Christ, it disappeared and I felt release! 

The Hubby saw me fighting and he also couldn't wake me up. We immediately packed and went to the reception and demanded that they change our rooms. It was about 2AM. 

We couldn't sleep even in the new room and we left first thing after breakfast. We spoke to the manager and he wasn't able to do anything. We expected them to do more. I could've been killed by a falling piece of metal, We definitely did not experience any comfort. And now, we are definitely not going back. 

Unity Candle

So, the church informed us that we have to get Unity Candles to be lighted during the wedding ceremony. I thought it was pretty cool because 2 single candles will light up a bigger candle. 

The best part about Karin, my bestest sister, is that she does a wicked job of designing the candles and I found someone that is able to do it for me! 

The end result is so beautiful!!!! 

Wicked Wax does the most gorgeous work and their services are top notch! You can personalise any candles and I only regret NOT buying my wedding favours from them! They are very efficient/ friendly and very reasonably priced for personalised items! 

If you're getting married and need wedding favors/ unity candles or even for your baby's baptism, do check them out!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The Perfect Storm

After the whole wedding fiasco, the hubby blames ME for every damn thing. He blamed me for ruining the wedding, he blamed me for wasting his money, somehow, he managed to blame every single thing on me. 

It's been so hard to even talk to him, because every single thing, he gets angry. At this point, I really don't want to fight. I'm tired and sick to keep fighting. In his hardened heart, He cannot seem to forgive me (not that I asked for him to forgive me), but whenever he screws up, he expects me to just forgive him. 

The 2 months before he left to Nigeria, he was THE MOST DIFFICULT PERSON TO LIVE WITH. Every single thing I say, he gets so angry and shouts at me. He even got crazy angry just because I made a copy of the housekeys and left it in the car! I mean, how can I even stand him, I really don't know. 

That was just an example, I couldn't talk to him anything about the wedding without him shouting like a fucking brat. Until the moment we were at the airport to see him off, he still had to pick a fight. He was angry that we had to leave the house earlier and he shouted. Then he asked me to pass him some money and all I asked was, "What is it for? Do you need more?" and he started a whole shouting spree in the fucking airport. 

For 2 months, I tolerated all his fucking bullshit and mistreatment and verbal abuse. It's OK, when he does shit like this, but when I even raise my voice trying to make him understand, he wants to be shouting there like a moron. 

Just 1 week AFTER the wedding, he asked me how much money is left in my account, when I showed it to him, he started his verbal abuse and asked me where his money went. I keep track of all the expenses in my organizer which was in the car, and I told him 7-8 times that I cannot answer because I don't fucking know! All the expenses are in the book, in the car. 

I told him repeatedly and he kept getting angrier and angrier and kept demanding to know about the expenses until I shouted that, "The book is in the car!!!" and he started screaming "Why the hell am I screaming at him?" I really don't understand him anymore... 

And that moron just unleashed a whole barrage of verbal abuse and screams. Telling me that he will "Slap my stupid fucking face" and honestly, I would've killed him if he was actually worth it. 

I really wish that I don't love him so much. I really wish that I could get into another accident so I can forget about, what a great man he USED to be. I really wish that the Good Lord can forgive me if this marriage doesn't work out. I wish that all this wishful thinking about him, going back to normal would come true.

Despite all this, he doesn't seem to realise that he's the problem. He even have the audacity to tell me that, "The way he's behaving right now, is the way I caused him to behave." 

Instead of taking a good hard look at himself, he's there blaming me for all HIS shortcomings and mistakes. Right now, I really, really hate Nigerians. From their country, all they ever do is complain, and blame others. For crying out loud, look at yourselves. 

I took it all in, forgave him, without him even asking for forgiveness and he wants to blame me for everything? What kind of man is this? This is NOT the man I fell in love with. Through all this shit, I loved him. I don't know what he's going through, I don't understand what he's going through and all I know is to be patient and love him. 

As of today, my love is running very low, after 11 days of marriage, of the hell that he put me through, I'm ready to abandon ship because I cannot keep loving him for the next 3 years if he's going to put me through all of this. Which loving husband would do, what he did to his wife?

My sister asked me, "If you're gonna leave him, did you try to do everything in your power to make this marriage work?" I did. I tried. What did he do, besides putting the blame on me, shouting at me, verbally and emotionally abusing me and threatening to hit me? What else did he do? 

Now, I just keep quiet, not because I'm scared of him, I don't have the energy to fight. I'm at my weakest point in life with so many illness that needs to be cured and the last thing I need is another fight. Whenever we fight, he ALWAYS say, "It's YOUR fault, YOU always start a fight." 

If I'm alone in a fucking room, can I fight with myself? 

If you're alone at home, can you fight with yourself? 

I take 50% of the blame but he wants me to take 100% of the blame. 

I really don't know who is he anymore.

Right now, he's just somebody that I used to know. 

If you tell me to sit down and talk to him, it doesn't work. 

To stay with him, what for? There's not much love left. 

To leave, seems very appealing.