Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Random Rants

I get really uncomfortable whenever anyone asks about my opinion on Malaysia politics. This recent conversation made me extraordinarily uncomfortable that I felt the need to write it down: 

So-and-so: What did you study for your Masters?
Me: Political Science / International Relations.
So-and-so: Waaah!!!! What do you think of Malaysia politics?
Me: *facepalm* Erm, I'm not interested in Malaysian politics. It's a satirical comedy. 
So-and-so: Then why did you waste your parents money to study so much??? Malaysian politics not good enough ah?
Me: I'm just, more interested in Terrorism and Diplomacy. My research paper was on terrorism and counter terrorism in Africa. We live in a big world, Malaysian politics isn't EVERYTHING we learn! 
So-and-so: Ahhh.... No wonder, you're a lecturer!!! 

SIGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Trust me, I don't get it as well. 

If I'm going to go all technical using Economics analogy, Malaysian politics is "micro-politics" and I'm more interested in "Macro-politics". How the world works and how globalisation has made all countries interdependent of each other. 

I'm blessed enough to be able to be the pioneer batch for The University of Nottingham's Masters in International Relations program. 

I highly recommend this program to everyone that has an interest in International Relations. The course really broadened my views and I never could fathom how or why I would be so interested in IR. 

Recently, I just applied to do my PhD in the University of Bucharest, Berlin because I personally, feel that, there's so much of negativity in the world. I just want to make a difference. 

Even though, I haven't written any papers in 2 years, I still read research papers/ academic journals 
and I'm still pretty much up-to-date with all the researches and think tanks that are managing crisis. 

I'm very passionate about this topic and coming from an middle income family, I have next to nothing to fund my PhD. I need about RM100,000 for 3 years just for tuition fees. I plan to apply for a scholarship to fund my living expenses. 

My lovely mother, on the other hand, has drew a line at my Masters and I have to find 100k by July to fund my studies. 

You must be wondering why I choose Berlin, well, because it's a 3 years PhD programme and I just have to spend 1 year there and for Year 2 and Year 3, I spend about a month or so in campus. Classes and prep for my paper, will be done within a year. It's flexible and I fulfil all the requirements. 

I'm really praying for a miracle for the funds! Would you help me? In return, I will write a heartfelt gratitude to you in my thesis paper. Pretty please? 

Right now, here's how I'm feeling!

I got this pretty picture from ChristianMotivations


Friday, December 19, 2014

Make Up Organizer

Been shopping for a make up organizer cause The Hubby has been complaining that the dressing table is filled with "Clutter"! He's calling my Chanel/Givenchy/Guerlain make up, "clutter". When I didn't have any make up, and it was only my skincare, it was bearable. But space was never enough! 

I've seen one that I liked very much but the person selling it wasn't that friendly and took too long to reply even though it was cheap. If I was more patient, I would've waited but, my make up stuff was really out of control. You can view it HERE. I checked with her, and yes, she still have stock, as of December 2014. It costs RM120 AND SHIPPING IS RM25 (EAST MALAYSIA) AND RM20 (WEST MALAYSIA) 


Next, I saw the Glam Caddy (RM59) on Rakuten and I liked it too because it's like a beautiful stand that you find at Parkson where they display all their make up and stuff. I like feeling like I'm shopping for my make up in the morning. The only difference is, I own it. HAHAHAH. Call me weird. 

I didn't buy this because I watched the video and the thing squeaks. Like, it squeaks, every time you turn it and I don't like it. I even read some reviews HERE and some complained of flimsy plastic/ not sturdy/etc. 

Then, while searching #makeuporganizer, I found Romana on Instagram and her  FACEBOOK and she brings in these amazing makeup organizers. I bought it because it's sturdy, made from acrylic and NOT PLASTIC. and the finishings on the product is extremely beautiful. It's made in Taiwan and it's very high quality. I got this at Parkson in Pavillion for RM160 (5% Tourist Discount from Hubby) so I paid RM152 ONLY. 


I love the little lipstick holders that makes my sad excuse of a dressing table look like the display countertops at Parkson! I'm growing my lipstick collection and I love Chanel's so, it's going to take some time. But it has ample space and it's just gorgeous!



Here's some pictures of a filled makeup organizer. I have space for everything and even more for my collection to grow! And this includes some of hubby's barang "solek"! HAHAHAHAH!!! OH! I'm also trying to phase out my ecotools and only use Bobbi Brown's brushes. I have to say that Bobbi Brown Brushes are extremely useful to me and I will write another post soon. 

So, if you're in Malaysia and you need makeup storage, hope this post helps!

Or, you can also check MUJI out! 

Monday, December 15, 2014

Make Up Haul: Givenchy/MAC/Guerlain/CLINIQUE/Bobbi Brown (SEPHORA MALAYSIA)

The first thing I saw when I opened Facebook was this beautiful image from Sephora Malaysia Facebook!


I was on the lookout for a Bright Red Lipstick and a Blush so, I thought, What the hell! Such a great deal!!!


So, here's my haul!!!! I'm soooo into make up currently, and it's a gradual process. I've always used Sunblock, Liquid Foundation and Powder and since my health deteriorated on me, I've been looking paler than Edward Cullen. The Hubby even said that I looked like a corpse!!! 

I got the Lipstick in 306 and Blush in Vintage Pink. And yesss!!!!! I got my Les Mini Prismes!!!!!

I've even added a courtesy/embarrassing BEFORE and AFTER picture. 

Besides my Sephora haul, I realised that I needed good brushes and I've been loving Ecotools brushes since like, forever!!!! So, I got them at iHerb and yes, they do SHIP TO MALAYSIA!!! 


So, here's my Ecotools haul and I'm a tad disappointed because The Skin Perfecting Brush was pokey and I sold my Fresh & Flawless Set because the website did not mention that it's smaller than the normal brushes and the only brush that I use with the Givenchy blush was the Tapered Blush Brush. 

Here's the height difference between the normal brush and the Fresh & Flawless Set. 


Not a big deal to some, but Yes, I have chronic OCD and it everything has to be aligned and equal. I used only bamboo brushes and combs and my combs have to be from Body Shop the Bamboo ones. But Thank God, I managed to sell it off to a nice girl in Kuantan within 3 days of posting it on Instagram! 


So, here's my everyday look so that I don't look so corpse-y. Liquid Foundation and Compact from Chanel, Illuminating Meteorite Pearls from Guerlain, Lipstick in Boy from Chanel, Lipstick in 3016 from Givenchy, Contour Powder from MAC and Tarte Mascara. The Givenchy Mini Prisme Trio is just for show. Such a waste to use it but, when I move into my new office, then, will put it there for touch up. 


After reading so many reviews especially HERE. One factor that sets it apart and prompted me to purchase this, is the fact that it's OPHTHALMOLOGIST TESTED! I thought that, if I'm going to use make up products near my eyes with some probability of the products going into my eyes, might as well make it OK. Hence, I got this. 


This is my Clinique Brush On Eye Liner in True Black (RM75) and a really awesome product! Not exactly cheapest compared to Bobbi Brown/ Chanel but it does a very good job and what more could I ask? OPHTHALMOLOGIST TESTED! 



It comes with a little brush but trust me, it's not a good brush. I had to buy a separate brush from Bobbi Brown. The liner is fuss free, easy to spread, fast drying and everything you would expect in an eye liner and maybe more! 


This was the perfect eye liner brush. I got the Ultra Fine Eye Liner Brush (RM100) and it was amazing!!!! It goes so well with the eye liner and its makes a perfect line with just one swipe!!!! Definitely worth the buy! 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

My Short MiniMoon & Flamingo By The Beach HAUNTED!


 After the whole fiasco of a wedding, Hubby decided to go to Penang for a short minimoon since our first holiday was in Penang, We had dinner at such a romantic restaurant called Tree Monkey that was so remote, it wasn't listed on Waze or the BMW's GPS. 

And things just didn't go our way since, I literally danced till I couldn't walk anymore and I needed lots and lots of bed rest. Then, I was so stressed that I got mothafucking Candida!!!!! Seriously, fuck my life! 

And we got a fucking haunted hotel room where we were both "attacked" and many weird things happening like, I was nearly crushed by a falling banister, yes, a whole piece of metal missed me, by cms! and someone from Citibank kept calling me and, I have no business with Citibank nor did the phone even rang and we were in our room. 

Anyways, the hotel was Flamingo By The Beach, Penang. We actually stayed here because we stayed here on our first trip together and we wanted to come back and sadly, all the did was to change our room when we complained about the "attacks". 

What happened was: It was in the afternoon, when The Hubby was sleeping and I was reading and watching the TV. I heard him mumble, "Who are you?" "What are you doing here?" in a shocked manner and I couldn't wake him up and he was struggling. As I tried to open the sliding door to the balcony, a huge chunk of metal fell and missed me by centimetres and the crash was loud enough to wake The Hubby up. 

He later told me that he saw a fair skinned man, sitting on the edge of our bed, looking at us, wearing a white long sleeved shirt, tucked into a khaki pants. He looked like those British India people. When my husband asked him "Who are you?" The entity refused to reply but, he just looked at us with a distant look in his eyes. And The Hubby couldn't move. He felt as if he was held down.

Me, being the scientific person told him about Sleep Paralysis which some people might associate with evil spirits and demonic entity, but it's actually just a psychological thing. In a nutshell, your body shuts down but your brain is still awake and  I kept telling him about that. And I dismissed him entirely. 

Until at night, when I just fell asleep, I saw the same British India fair skinned man and I couldn't move. In fact, I saw a shadow on top of me holding my shoulders down to the bed and I kept scratching at it until I thought about Jesus Christ, it disappeared and I felt release! 

The Hubby saw me fighting and he also couldn't wake me up. We immediately packed and went to the reception and demanded that they change our rooms. It was about 2AM. 

We couldn't sleep even in the new room and we left first thing after breakfast. We spoke to the manager and he wasn't able to do anything. We expected them to do more. I could've been killed by a falling piece of metal, We definitely did not experience any comfort. And now, we are definitely not going back. 














Unity Candle


So, the church informed us that we have to get Unity Candles to be lighted during the wedding ceremony. I thought it was pretty cool because 2 single candles will light up a bigger candle. 

The best part about Karin, my bestest sister, is that she does a wicked job of designing the candles and I found someone that is able to do it for me! 





The end result is so beautiful!!!! 

Wicked Wax does the most gorgeous work and their services are top notch! You can personalise any candles and I only regret NOT buying my wedding favours from them! They are very efficient/ friendly and very reasonably priced for personalised items! 

If you're getting married and need wedding favors/ unity candles or even for your baby's baptism, do check them out!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The Perfect Storm

After the whole wedding fiasco, the hubby blames ME for every damn thing. He blamed me for ruining the wedding, he blamed me for wasting his money, somehow, he managed to blame every single thing on me. 

It's been so hard to even talk to him, because every single thing, he gets angry. At this point, I really don't want to fight. I'm tired and sick to keep fighting. In his hardened heart, He cannot seem to forgive me (not that I asked for him to forgive me), but whenever he screws up, he expects me to just forgive him. 

The 2 months before he left to Nigeria, he was THE MOST DIFFICULT PERSON TO LIVE WITH. Every single thing I say, he gets so angry and shouts at me. He even got crazy angry just because I made a copy of the housekeys and left it in the car! I mean, how can I even stand him, I really don't know. 

That was just an example, I couldn't talk to him anything about the wedding without him shouting like a fucking brat. Until the moment we were at the airport to see him off, he still had to pick a fight. He was angry that we had to leave the house earlier and he shouted. Then he asked me to pass him some money and all I asked was, "What is it for? Do you need more?" and he started a whole shouting spree in the fucking airport. 

For 2 months, I tolerated all his fucking bullshit and mistreatment and verbal abuse. It's OK, when he does shit like this, but when I even raise my voice trying to make him understand, he wants to be shouting there like a moron. 

Just 1 week AFTER the wedding, he asked me how much money is left in my account, when I showed it to him, he started his verbal abuse and asked me where his money went. I keep track of all the expenses in my organizer which was in the car, and I told him 7-8 times that I cannot answer because I don't fucking know! All the expenses are in the book, in the car. 

I told him repeatedly and he kept getting angrier and angrier and kept demanding to know about the expenses until I shouted that, "The book is in the car!!!" and he started screaming "Why the hell am I screaming at him?" I really don't understand him anymore... 

And that moron just unleashed a whole barrage of verbal abuse and screams. Telling me that he will "Slap my stupid fucking face" and honestly, I would've killed him if he was actually worth it. 

I really wish that I don't love him so much. I really wish that I could get into another accident so I can forget about, what a great man he USED to be. I really wish that the Good Lord can forgive me if this marriage doesn't work out. I wish that all this wishful thinking about him, going back to normal would come true.

Despite all this, he doesn't seem to realise that he's the problem. He even have the audacity to tell me that, "The way he's behaving right now, is the way I caused him to behave." 

Instead of taking a good hard look at himself, he's there blaming me for all HIS shortcomings and mistakes. Right now, I really, really hate Nigerians. From their country, all they ever do is complain, and blame others. For crying out loud, look at yourselves. 

I took it all in, forgave him, without him even asking for forgiveness and he wants to blame me for everything? What kind of man is this? This is NOT the man I fell in love with. Through all this shit, I loved him. I don't know what he's going through, I don't understand what he's going through and all I know is to be patient and love him. 

As of today, my love is running very low, after 11 days of marriage, of the hell that he put me through, I'm ready to abandon ship because I cannot keep loving him for the next 3 years if he's going to put me through all of this. Which loving husband would do, what he did to his wife?

My sister asked me, "If you're gonna leave him, did you try to do everything in your power to make this marriage work?" I did. I tried. What did he do, besides putting the blame on me, shouting at me, verbally and emotionally abusing me and threatening to hit me? What else did he do? 

Now, I just keep quiet, not because I'm scared of him, I don't have the energy to fight. I'm at my weakest point in life with so many illness that needs to be cured and the last thing I need is another fight. Whenever we fight, he ALWAYS say, "It's YOUR fault, YOU always start a fight." 

If I'm alone in a fucking room, can I fight with myself? 

If you're alone at home, can you fight with yourself? 

I take 50% of the blame but he wants me to take 100% of the blame. 

I really don't know who is he anymore.

Right now, he's just somebody that I used to know. 

If you tell me to sit down and talk to him, it doesn't work. 

To stay with him, what for? There's not much love left. 

To leave, seems very appealing. 



Tuesday, November 18, 2014

My Great Big Shitty Wedding PART 3: THE RECEPTION

As we went back to the hotel after Mass, we had the tea ceremony. The tea ceremony went smoothly and then the hubby did the whole disappearing act again. He was around for most of the main events which required his presence, other than that, he was MIA ALL THE FUCKING TIME. 

Then, I had to get ready for the reception and I got so many calls requiring me to pause my make up just to rush down to handle issues. One of the issues were, his people (Nigerians) were trying to enter the ballroom and they were not invited. We wanted a small, intimate event for about 80 people and here they were, 6-7 cars full of uninvited guests demanding to enter. 

I had to call the hotel security and every single security guard on duty was rushed to the ballroom to prohibit these uninvited people from entering. 

And as expected, they were angry and started verbally abusing my family and guests. This is such an ugly part of Nigerians and they constituted nuisance on MY WEDDING DAY. 

Who the fuck gave them the right to be shouting at my family and friends? They are NOT INVITED and they had the audacity to shout and be stupid to everyone there? Here I was thinking China-Chinese was very rude, I really haven't met Nigerians. 

So, here I was running up and down, handling calls after calls of trouble. I'm just curious, how is this even possible with them? They have no dignity or self respect? 

The next incident was when, my family told them to sign the guestbook. They started a rampage of verbal abuse to deviate from the fact that they didn't know what is a guestbook. 

I think it's incredibly ignorant to accuse someone of not respecting your culture when you can't even respect other cultures. They were, at this point, shouting about racism, "In Nigeria", etc.... 

With all due respect, if you're going to say "In Nigeria, we do this, and this" then go back home to Nigeria. You don't have to be in MY country, shouting about how great YOUR country is because you really look so stupid. Oh, when they were shouting, my guests; my family, my colleagues, my boss and my friends were all there. 

Up to this point, I was already pretty pissed off. From last night, till this moment, I just wanted the hubby to feel the hurt that I went through. 

Then, as the evening rolled along, we sent those uninvited people off, and placed 2-3 guards at the entrance with a guest list. ALL THIS TIME, THE HUBBY WASN'T AROUND. 

At 7PM, we finally did the walk in and I lost all appetite and I had at least 4 bottles of MOET by myself. I didn't want to be in the hall because half the hall was all his guests and I was at the entrance, drinking my MOET and smoking. 

Then, as I was going in, some whore of a gf of some Nigerian guy came up to me with my table deco asking me to give it to her. I mean, it's so tasteless what they do! I had to tell her to leave my vase and flowers alone and her bf, was upset at me / ashamed of her, shouted to put that junk back. 

They want to talk about respect, but seriously, throughout the night, NOT A SINGLE RESPECT WAS GIVEN. 

I envisioned my wedding reception to be classy and intimate but what I got was messy, fights, anger, disappointments and NOT AT ALL WHAT I DREAMED OF. 

I just sat back and watched everything happened and I gave a speech. It started with "I don't know anyone here" (Pointed to the Nigerian side of the room) and whatever people that was left there, stood up to leave. The only remaining ones was 3 guys. 

To this point, I really could't take it, I hated them. I hated them for ruining my happiest day. I despised my husband for not being there. I hated him for leaving me to deal with all HIS rubbish. I hated the whole wedding for being pretentious and act as if we're happy. 

I hated everything. 

Then, I just didn't know what to do anymore, I got on the dancefloor and danced the whole night away, drinking more and more MOET, to the point that I was puking my guts out in the rubbish bin. 

After that, everything didn't feel as shitty anymore and the saying, "Alcohol cures everything" is true. I managed to turn the night around and I had fun. I danced with my family and friends, I had so much of fun and I'm really glad that I have my girls to back me up, no matter what I do. 

Yes, even when my wedding was compared to Kanye West, I think that my wedding was the TOP in the Worst Weddings Ever!

So, yea. 

Shit happens. 

Fuck this. 

P.S: I'm not trying to justify my behaviour, I am held accountable but when circumstances keep hitting you, you do not back down, you fight back. 


I can honestly say that I'm past that stage where it bothers me. 

My Great Big Shitty Wedding PART 2: THE DAY

8/11/2014 (SATURDAY) 

As I woke up, I had breakfast with my family while waited for the videographer/photographer/make up artist/ and got ready by showering and etc. 

Still no word from him. Part of me just died because "What if he didn't want this whole marriage thing?"  

I felt, as if, I was forcing him into something that he didn't want. Maybe that's why he acted out yesterday. Maybe he didn't want to get married. Maybe he didn't love me. Maybe he found someone else in Nigeria? I was going crazy and it's impossible to list every single thing that was going through my head. 

To make things worse, I HAD to pretend that I was excited, that I'm the bride and watching everyone prepare themselves and prepare me for MY day. 

I didn't want anyone to even know about the crazy thoughts that was in my head. I was terrified, upset and my emotions wasn't intact. 

I've always pride myself on knowing all the psychological theories and formulas and how to handle emotions but everything, just went out the window. I felt scared, lost, angry, etc. 

By 1PM, I was ready to go to church, but the driver wasn't here, The hubby wasn't answering his phone and guests are already in the church. When I got them to look for the hubby, none of them saw him. At this point, I was already losing my marbles. "What if he doesn't show up?"

The driver finally arrived at 1:20PM. Mass starts at 1:30PM.... I was furious to the point of shouting at him. I was so sick on my way to the church. The hubby is still not answering calls or whatsoever. No one saw him in church. 

I finally arrived in church at 2PM. I was fucking late for my own wedding and it wasn't even my fault. I just grabbed Eunice into the prayer room to pray. At this point, I don't know if I can do it by myself. I'm a lost lamb. I really need God to be my shepherd and grant me peace. 

The church wedding was absolutely beautiful and I loved every second of it. I vividly remember that I was peaceful, certain and God was there to calm me down. 

Once the church wedding was over, that's when all hell breaks lose. 

My Great Big Shitty Wedding PART 1: THE DAY BEFORE

Let me start from the day before the wedding. 

7/11/2014 (FRIDAY) 
I checked into the hotel, went to shape my brows and thread my upper lips while the hubby was running around getting his last minute things done. 

I went back to the hotel to soak myself in the tub, had dinner with my family and aunty and went back to the hotel at 8PM-ish to do some deco. 

Got a call from the hubby said that he got into an accident at the other side of the hotel. 

Sent my mom and sister to see what happened and they just saw some minor scratches on the bumper but the hubby started shouting there like a mad animal. 

He started shouting at my mom and sister and just at everyone. Then, sped MY car away. 

My mom and sister came back to the hall and they were upset. 

I called him begging him to come back and he started shouting at me.

30 mins after that, I got a call from his sister in Nigeria saying that he got into ANOTHER FUCKING accident. 

He refused to answer my calls, I didn't know what happened. I don't know how is he. And in all the desperation an helplessness, I cried. I cried and cried myself till I slept. 

At this point, I don't even know if there's still gonna be a wedding the next day. 

He didn't bothered calling, apologising or convinced me that he still wants to get marry. 

He came into the hotel room at 2-3AM ish and slept. By 7AM-ish, he was gone. 

I feel like I didn't have control over the day because whether he shows up or not, the make up artists will be here, the photographers/videographers will be here. All the guests will be here. 

I'm so confused and worried that everything won't be going according to plan but it wasn't everything, it was him. 

He was the glitch in this otherwise, perfect day. 

Part of me, felt that this wasn't the right thing to do. I missed the certainty that I was marrying the right person. But there's nothing like that. Just a lot of confusion, anger, sadness, disappointment that a stupidly simply "SORRY" cannot fix. 

Since my aunties were there, and they didn't know the hubby, they naturally assumed that he's a douchebag for shouting at my mom and sister. Then, they came up to me asking me questions like, "Are you sure you want to marry him?" "Is he always like that?" "You better be careful with him, he might hit you!" "He's so rude and disrespectful to shout at your mom like that!" 

So, tell me what do I do? I feel like I'm forced to get marry to someone I don't know anymore. Somebody that I used to know. 

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Pre Wedding Thoughts

When we first decided to get marry, and when we started shopping for bridal shops, there was still 9 months. Then, it became 6 months, then, all of the sudden, it was 26 days and now it's 14 days / 2 weeks / 13 sleeps before I'm officially a Mrs. before God and men. 

On one hand, I'm so excited and ecstatic and on the other hand, I'm scared as fuck. Scared that time passes by so quickly and for 9 months, I've been a zombie!!! I don't know what has been going on and I'm just trying to juggle, taking care of my health, planning the wedding and being Lecturer of The Year. 


Being a "mommy" to so many kids (my students) it made me feel motherly and I want my own kid. I never wanted kids and I'm absolutely terrified of babies and I still think that animals are waaay cuter than babies and this unexplainable feeling of being a mother is so new and weird. 


I don't know how to handle this feeling. I really want a baby so badly and I'm terrified that I'm going to be a horrible mom. SHIT! I just want to get rid of these load in my heart. 


On a happier note, all the reservations of getting married, all the cold feet, all the questions about if, he's the right guy has left my mind. What is on my mind right now is, he's the man I want to marry, grow old and have babies with. He's the one I want to start a little family with. 


How? I feel peaceful and calm and the 1.5 months apart really put things into perspective. 


1) I know for sure that I'm OK being alone and I'm not marrying him because I'm afraid of loneliness. 


2) I'm able to focus on my job and I'm not hung up on him. I can be independent as well as be with him. 


3) I trust him. Being 10,000 miles away from each other, 2 different continents, my day is his night, and I trust him. ENOUGH SAID. 


4) I miss him and I yearn for his hugs, kisses and touch. 


5) I love him. My heart skips a beat whenever I receive a call /SMS/ Whatsapp from him and the highlight of my day is still when we Skype. 


If I still have reservations about marrying him, I cannot bring myself to walk down that aisle. But, I don't and I cannot wait to marry him, be his wife and start a family. 


OK, I think that's all the issues in my heart now.