I haven't had the time to post anything for more than a year because life has been pretty hectic. Being a new mom is no walk in the park; life goes on with no sleep and I still don't understand why would anyone, would want to be a parent (willingly!)? I've been lecturing for almost 5 years (In April 2018) and I've been writing for The Asian Parent Malaysia for 1 year already.
Instead of blogging, I kinda advice parents on parenting tips, trends, news and everything parenting for the company. Juggling 2 full time jobs, raising a family and being OCD about a clean house really can get you down. Throughout the whole year, I worked weekends, I didn't take leave, I didn't spend even a minute on myself. 80% of the time I was working, writing, and the remaining 20% was divided between my family, cleaning the house, cooking and running errands. Sleep was non-existent and a luxury.
Looking back, I wondered, "How on Earth I managed to do all that with no sleep or rest?" I thought everything was going well until I received a SMS from my editor with, "Hey Michelle, we need to talk." and next thing I know, all I can read from her SMS was ".... So, this is your last and final month with us."
I reeled in shock and next thing I know, i cried. I can't remember the last time I cried. I cried and cried. For 1 year I sacrificed everything for my job. I'm on call 24/7, I didn't take leave when I was sick, I didn't have lunch most days because I would rather spend 1 hour writing my articles than going out to eat. AND TO BE UNCEREMONIOUSLY dropped? It was horrible.
Since that faithful day, I never really recovered. I got really sick, mentally. Most of the time, I feel over whelming and immobilizing sadness. I can't wake up in the morning, I feel suicidal and I feel tired, tired of life. Depression isn't the feeling of constant sadness, it's a fight to be happy, because everytime you think you're past that immobilizing sadness, it hits you harder and stronger.
Most of the time I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going or what I've done. Part of me is disgusted that I could stoop so low and be so weak. Another part of me? Just wanted to die.
Everyone thinks that being a lecturer is really fun, all we do is teach, we have flexi hours and we have long semester breaks. I really wish that was true. My normal day is, solving student's problems, marking papers, doing paperwork, settling fights between students, listening to their problems and showing that I care.
For years, I've absorbed all their negative feelings and honestly, it does take a toll on someone, mentally and physically. I continuously absorb all their anger, sadness and negativity and I just keep taking it in. Why? Because I hate myself for caring. I hate myself for caring so much.
I decided to take 1 week off work. I spent most of the time just staring into space. Which is freaking the hubby out. I'm constantly crying, which is freaking my mom out. When I tried to talk to my friends, no one understands. You know that feeling when you're moody? Imagine an intense and long term moodiness.
It's difficult to go out or meet anyone because they think that you're being dramatic or over reacting. Most of them, would rather not talk to you because you're being too "moody" for their liking. They think depression is a switch, that you could just turn off and be "normal". I've never felt suicidal since I was 16 years old, these feelings just embraced me like an old friend. An old friend, I hated.
It started bringing forth so many emotions I've suppressed all these years. I've counselled my fair share of depressed students these past years despite having no experience, cause most of them just wanted someone to listen to their problems and just listening to them talk, you already show that you care.
The disappointing part was, no one could help me except myself.
Will update more once I feel better.