Friday, April 10, 2009

I'm TROUBLE!

I really need a place to organize my thoughts! Had Sakae and the usual Ms. Read with Hindraf earlier and we just spoke non stop about Mr. Continental. Mr. C is the bad boy that I don't normally date but somehow I got entangled and enamoured by him.

He's not the type that you can bring home and introduce to your parents. If I do, my parents will definitely wonder whether I've slept with him or not and then they would most probably throw him out and disown me.

I hate myself for being a slut and lying to my BF while having a good time with Mr. C. Maybe I'm just going out with Mr. C because of the adrenaline and I love it that he loves me. I know that my friends aren't his biggest fan and that he's bad for me but he's like my favourite drug.

I tried to pull away but I keep going back to him for more. I keep telling myself it's just physical attraction but it has become so bad that I think about him every single passing moment! I don't think that I've ever put this much thought on my BF!!

He has his own little way that works on me like a spell... Every little thing he does is magic! (don't mind the pun!) I really don't know how long I can do this. My BF would be so hurt if he ever finds out.

You know the feeling? You feel so good but after that, you can't even look at yourself in the mirror? You can't face yourself, your family, your friends, etc? Like I said, I know it's wrong and he's like chocolate, alcohol and cigarettes all rolled in one, I know it's bad for me but I just can't leave it alone!!!

Why does stuff thats supposedly bad for you, are always more interesting? The worst they are for you, the more badly you want it? I think it's just a typical bad boy phase but I need to control myself before I make even more mistakes.

All this while, I've dated all types, men twice my age, different culture, etc but they all have one thing in common, they are all presentable, smart, responsible, excelling academically and make perfect husbands. Even the BF has all these attributes.

Anyways, I just can't do it the way the "Mink" does it! I don't even want to be like her! I really thank God that I have someone like Hindraf who's rational and is there to comfort and advice me. Gosh! I love her so much!! And I miss Mink so much too!!

I have yet to decide on my next course of action but as advised, I need to end it with Mr. C before more people gets hurt. Now I'm already in too deep with him, I need to save myself.

~you know you hate me~
Michelle May
xoxo

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