Friday, January 15, 2010


I hate myself. I have no idea why. I can't talk to anyone about this because I don't know how to start the conversation. I feel like leaving Malaysia... again! But this time, just for a while... Maybe a couple of weeks? I don't know why but I guess a leopard can't change it's spots.

Before Ah Beng, I leave the country for a holiday every other month. It's been almost 5 months since I've been anywhere!!! I miss Thailand, Macau, Indonesia, Vietnam and China!!! I did some stuff that I didn't even tell my parents and Ah Beng like apply for a job, filling up forms for my Masters and etc...

Things are going so well right now and I have no idea why I feel like I have to leave! My initial plan was to spend 3 months or more (if I get approval!) in Aussie doing random odd jobs and just touring around Aussie. I thought of flying there somewhere during CNY so I don't have to go through those stupid CNY customs.

Like I said, CNY this time is gonna be interesting! I can already expect the questions:
1) So, Michelle, what are you doing now?
2) Oh, no job, got a boyfriend?
3) *tsk* *tsk* you're not getting younger everyday you know!
4) What are your plans?
5) Do you even get paid?
6) So, how much did your parents spent on your education again?
7) What did you study?
8) Interested in meeting so-and-so? He's a very good boy, decent job, etc...
9) So, tell me about the accident?
10) See, you have to change your lifestyle!!!

Unfortunately, it's either there's no flights to Sydney or it's fully booked. It's like, the circumstances are making me stay. March is the latest I can leave because then sis and dearie will be back from US in May.

And if I'm doing my Masters, I have to submit everything by August for the September intake. I'm so confused right now but I'm just going to leave it to God. If He wants me to stay, I'll get the dream job that I applied for and if He thinks it's better for me to leave, He will provide. I'll be devastated if I have to leave but if I don't have a job, why do I bother staying?

Right now, I'm just going to focus on getting my cert by March and then see how it goes. Everyone seems to have a plan or a job but I'm still happily unemployed, not studying and nicely slacking!!! Keep telling myself to let go and leave it to Him. He will tell me what to do.

For now, I need to fight the urge to leave. He's my reason to stay and yet, my natural instinct is to leave. I really can't fight myself for long. But then again, I haven't really been myself since a couple of months back. After the accident to be exact.

All this thinking has left me 4kgs lighter!! I think it's a good thing but right now, I only have 1 main meal a day. I wake up around 11AM -ish, make myself some cereals with milk and then have dinner at 7PM or 8PM sometimes. I spend the whole day doing chores (if I'm not out!) to distract me from thinking.

After the accident, I feel so depressed staying at home. I think I'm going crazy. Before the accident, I was at home for almost 1 year and after the accident, I feel suicidal and angry when I'm at home. I'm hearing things I shouldn't and feeling extremely upset. Does anyone feel this way after a near death experience?

I'm very difficult and sometimes, I can't control myself. Another thing is that after the accident, I can't remember a lot of stuff from the past. I can't remember people, events, and me. People thing I'm being stuck up but the truth is, I can't remember!!! When I try to push myself to remember, I just feel like crying because I feel so useless.

I keep telling myself that as long as I'm healthy and alive, who cares about the past? All that matters is the future right? Right now, I'm happy so... It doesn't matter if I remember or forget. I know this is a random post and most likely boring but I have to write it out or I'm going crazy!!

Call it temporary insanity or whatever you want but bigger shit happens when you think it's all over!!! Right now, I'm very Michelle Who? (as in the tv series Samantha Who?)

Tu eres mi corazon, soy tuyo? Si yo no lo sabía mejor, yo creo que usted era el mío, estás conmigo todo el tiempo, yo juraría que somos más que amigos, me estás tocando de nuevo, si yo no sabía mejor, yo diría que estábamos en el amor ... Lo amo, aunque sé que no debería. Voy a ser feliz por ahora.

~you know I lust you~
Michelle May

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