Wednesday, October 06, 2010

I miss

Will be leaving on the 5th of November to The Land Down Under. I will miss:

Baby The British Short Hair
Jojo The British Short Hair
Shadow The Golden Retriever
Pany The Rabbit
Skipper The Cocker Spaniel
Patrick The Guinea Pig
Puppini The Local Dog
Luna The Cocker Spaniel
My Job
My Car
My Friends
My Grandma
My Life
My Bed
Graham Bear The Teddy
Kura Kura The Turtle

"Touch everything but leave with nothing"- Mitch Albom (Have A Little Faith)

Summer is a good time to be there and hope I'll be able to leave the past in the past and move on to the future. It really hurts me to leave but it's inevitable. When everyone said that I'm very talented and crap, I never could see it. Let alone, him. I know that he's just being supportive of my job but he KNEW that I'm destined for something bigger.

Everyone including him KNEW. I knew but I chose to ignore it because I could never see what everyone saw in me. I feel so pressured living with EVERYONE'S expectations. People who barely knew me even told me that I was destined for something bigger. My own boss, thinks I'm destined for something bigger.

I had him and it was enough. He made me the happiest person for close to a year. With him, I've never once doubted if he loved me or not. He did. And EVERYONE knew that he did. Back then, I could make him smile. When I talk about my animals, he sees the sparkle in my eyes and I could see the sparkle in his.

Recently, he seems so far away. So distanced. He was in a place where I can't reach him. He was in his own world. He kept so much to himself. He took everyone's problems as his own and refused to share it. I realised that things has changed. Maybe he don't love me the same or he found someone else or whatever.

I suffered for weeks. I cried for weeks. I was confused. At the end of the day, I still love him very much and surprisingly, I don't even hate him one bit. Even though I'm surrounded by friends, I felt so alone. I couldn't take it and booked a flight to Sydney. The worst was the memories that seems to be on replay.

Recently, a friend had some problem and I had to go back to a clinic in Bangsar. I cried because that was the place where I swore I'll never leave him. Then, another friend suggested that we meet at Picadilly and I was really sad because we used to go there all the time and I can see us there, I even remember what we spoke and all.

He was and still the man that I love but I guess I'll have to learn how to love myself more... I have to move on. I love God as well and I trust Him, so, I think it's His plan and it's pointless to think and to dissect every single thing. I need to let go and let "Jesus Take The Wheels"

Finalizing everything... feels like dying, all the last minute stuff, paying my car, making sure Patrick and Skipper is gonna be taken care of, hanging out with all my friends, thinking of what to pack, shopping and yet, still maintain some degree of normality in my life by working...

~you know you'll miss me~
Michelle May
xoox