Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Eat.Pray.Love

Let me begin by saying that Elizabeth Gilbert is my Guru. To me, Guru like a leader and I'm one of her follower. Don't know who is Elizabeth Gilbert? She's the author of Eat.Pray.Love and my savior from depression and self pity.

I was just like her. The only difference was, she chose to give everything up and in my case, everything was taken away from me. I technically screwed up... BIG TIME. I lied and I cheated and I lied a little more, I got lost and went through some fucked up shit.

I went from being an exemplary student, over achieving, filial daughter into a hateful, destructive monster that I don't even recognize. I was never the type that screwed up, after that I've made some bad choices in my life.

I lost everything and by everything, I meant my faith in the opposite sex, my ability to love a man, part of my soul and my parents. Man, they were pretty upset at me for not spending time with them and that I'm always not at home or when I am, we'll be having these big arguments.

In my defense, I was 23 years old and I wanted them out of my life. Then, when things went down south, I quit my job, left everything and everyone that I love back home and came to Sydney with uncertainty. Like what Rascal Flatts sang; "I've love like I should, lived like I shouldn't, I had to lose everything to find out" and that pretty much sums everything up.

I spent so many nights crying, and days are spent thinking about him and when you're far from everyone, you tend to get a little lonely. The distance was a blessing since I wouldn't do anything stupid and lose my dignity but there's no one here I could really talk to or hand out.

Anyways, I brought the novel Eat.Pray.Love and I find it so ______ (insert a word for the opposite of redundant) and I finished it in a day. We go through the same arguments (her with the monkey in the brain and me with my brains fighting with my heart)

Everyone and anyone who has been through a divorce or a break up would know all about the haunting memories, the loss of something familiar, and then it all comes down to 2 options: 1) Cry and beg him/her to take you back and most likely end up as a stalker and a psycho. 2) Let go and move on. I chose 2.

I always tell my friends, Shut the fuck up and move the fuck on. Simple as that. But I found it easier said than done. I spent 2 months mourning the whole break up shit and moving on was impossible. While he, wait for it... is already happily in another relationship!

There was this argument in my head and after reading the book, it helps settle everything.

ARGUMENT: But I really loved him.

- Big deal. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that!

- You have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny.

ARGUMENT: I seriously believed he was my soul mate.

- A soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

- He’s probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.

- They come into your life to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then they leave.

- It’s too painful to live with a soul mate forever.

Find somebody new to love someday. Take the time to heal, but don’t forget to eventually share your heart with someone. Don’t make your life a monument to him.

I've been talking to so many people recently, Chris (ex millionaire with a lot of problems), Leon (Fellow Aussie that has more problems), Anonymous (Who can't seem to let go of the past) and these people are so amazing even though their lives are worst than mine.

Chris used to be a millionaire but he gave it all up for his Japanese wife and daughter. Then, she took his daughter and left to Japan when he's in the ICU for a heart attack. This man, always wanted another child with his current GF but she's cheating on him with another guy and because of that, she had 2 miscarriages because her lover was apparently rough in bed.

Leon, I shall not reveal because he's one of my closest friend that I haven't even met. Met him on facebook and I've never been the type that approves people I don't know but there's something about him that made me do just that. Turns out, he's one of my best supporters and confidante. I always go to him whenever I have a problem. He's patient and wise.

Anonymous is another amazing guy. He's the one that technically yells at me and asks me to move on. He always told me that he's not worth it and there's always something that we can talk about. I adore him in that sense. He's strong and understanding and even though I don't wanna be like him, he's my step-to-step guide to moving on.

These people that I met randomly have so much of problems. I didn't sleep last night and I'm so angry at him. He's such a cheater, liar and an Emmy award winning actor. I've never felt so fucking stupid in my entire life. But then again, I'm better than that. I know karma is a bitch and what he did to me, will definitely go back to him.

I thought I knew him, I thought he was different and when I came to Aussie, I was searching for strength and peace. I found strength but lost peace. Now I just wanna find peace. I'm better than him. I am a good person and because of that, I have good people in my life.

Here's a nice song by the way: Go On Boy

I can't get it back, but
I don't want it back, i
Realized that,
He don't know how to act
Never been a dumb girl
No i'm not dense
I Just had a slight lack
Of common sense
I was the good girl
He was the bad guy
Im thinking one guy
He thinking me, her, Jane and Jenny
Yep he had plenty
But love for me, he didn't have any

I was inviting, him into my heart
But he was out dancing with some other bitch
He was my night time, thought I was his star
Guess I was wrong, but see i'm strong
Wont take me long for me to move on

[Hook:]
Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on buy
(Go on boy)
Go on boy
(Go on boy)
Go on boy

[V2:]
I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,
He dont know how to act
Tried to settle down and look what I get
Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet
Him at the bar buying drinks for many girls
Im in the house, thinking he's with his guyfriends
Trust not knowing, truly not knowing
I look back now like, man, I was open

I was inviting, him into my heart
But he was out dancing with some other bitch
He was my night time, thought I was his star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
Wont take me long for me to move on

[Hook:]
Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on boy
(Go on boy)
Go on boy
(Go on boy)
Go on boy

[Bridge]
The mistake i made is clear
(we never shoulda been together)
Thats the reason youre not here
(I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby im feeling no stress
Im too fly to be depressed

Go on boy
Go on boy
Go on boy
Go on boy

[Hook:]
Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on boy
(Go on boy)
Go on boy
(Go on boy)
Go on boy

Sorry if this post is a little too long. Once I start writing, I can't stop. But this has been good. I admitted I had a problem and I'm not taking initiative to solve it. Excerpts are from Eat. Pray. Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and remix-ed song is from Ne-Yo's Go On Girl.

P.S: The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

~You know you know me~

Michelle May

xoox

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