Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Just me.

I finally know why I'm so hyped up over my birthday... I'm depressed. You see, I have a very bad bipolar condition when it comes to feelings. When I'm happy, every little thing makes me smile, I'm nice to everyone and I'm like, high on drugs...

When I'm depressed, I don't wanna leave the house and I'm mean to everyone and I hate everything. I'm very much Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Sometimes, I get so depressed that I just wanna be left alone. Please don't interact with me.

I'm leaning towards depression and nobody could see that. A Mac doesn't make you happy, it just distracts you from being depressed and delay the inevitable. I haven't been very happy these past few weeks.

I hate it that no one notices it and I feel sad, angry and lost. I just wanna stay out of the house and go home exhausted and sleep. I don't wanna face my parents. I just wanna do my own shit.

The office can really break your spirit and kill your soul. It takes over your life because you generally spend 10 hours in the office and 2 hours commuting between your office and your house. Thats 12 hours gone out of 24 hours.

I just wanna put sad smileys all over the place but I'm trying hard to fight the depression. I'm trying to be excited about my birthday and present, I'm going out more with my friends to avoid being crazy. But every morning, the depression just comes.

I hate it that everyone wants to have a say about what I should do, how I should act as if I'm their puppet! I have feelings and I'm technically an adult, that gives me constitutional right to practically do anything I want.

I feel so suffocated and controlled. I lost my fighting spirit and I just wanna leave everything and everyone and go away for a few days. What I'm doing now for 12 hours, is painful. The fact I have to go through it everyday? I feel like dying or giving up.

I really don't know, I feel like succumbing to my depression but I don't like myself when I'm depressed. I feel like I'm living a lie and to everyone else besides me, they think I'm the happiest girl in the world. I'm tired. I'm tired of living this lie.

I'm not happy. I'm depressed. I hate everything and I just wanna get lost. Apparently, everything that I do isn't enough. I have to live up to everyone's expectations.

Fuck this.

5 comments:

S said...

Hiya!

I know what you mean about depression! I get that feeling too =( Have you found an outlet to vent everything out? I have! I blog everything out, all my happy bits, sad bits, angry bits all come out in words and I find I feel a lot better after venting everything out. I am also dropping by to say HELLO and thank you so much for linking me! <3

I hope you have a lovely day (or evening wherever you are) and do take care!

Michelle May said...

Hi S!! Thanks for your note... It's frustrating when people you love thinks that it'll just past and that I'm SUPPOSED to be happy.

Anyways, I had fun reading your blog.. I'm thinkig tonnes of body care/make up stash!! You could open your very own Sephora!!

You have a great day and a good weekend too! (It's a Friday, over here)

S said...

Hi Michelle May! (or is it just Michelle? I'm not too sure, sorry!)

I've been pretty much hiding under a mask myself and the only person who's seen my true colours *ahem* is myself, which is pretty bad seeing I'm staying alone in a foreign country and all... Sigh. Maybe we both need happy pills! =p

Oh no, even you can tell I have tonnes of stuff lying in my bedroom! =p Yes that's quite true, I only picked up make-up pretty late last year so I am going a little crazy at the moment =) I love reading your blog too, btw! Keep them updates coming!!

You have a great weekend yourself and thank goodness it's Friday!! ;)


p/s: Not big enough to open Sephora yet.... Just give me a few years =p

Michelle May said...

Hi S,

If only happy pills are all positive effect. None of those nasty negative side effects. You're a late bloomer? Now, you're a walking mini Sephora!

Yes, writing made me feel so much better. I would give anything to leave Malaysia now. Too bad, I have too many responsibilities.

Would love to pack up and leave but sigh. It's lovely to get to know you here. Actually found your blog while Googling Cath Kidston. LOL!

S said...

Haha I'm definitely not a walking mini Sephora omg!

Are you currently working at home? Will you be starting uni away from home? ;)

Aww I love Cath Kidston! It's such a shame we haven't got Cath Kidston at home for I would spend all my money there just like how I'm spending most of my money here! =p

It's lovely getting to know you too! <3