Saturday, October 25, 2014

Pre Wedding Thoughts

When we first decided to get marry, and when we started shopping for bridal shops, there was still 9 months. Then, it became 6 months, then, all of the sudden, it was 26 days and now it's 14 days / 2 weeks / 13 sleeps before I'm officially a Mrs. before God and men. 

On one hand, I'm so excited and ecstatic and on the other hand, I'm scared as fuck. Scared that time passes by so quickly and for 9 months, I've been a zombie!!! I don't know what has been going on and I'm just trying to juggle, taking care of my health, planning the wedding and being Lecturer of The Year. 

Being a "mommy" to so many kids (my students) it made me feel motherly and I want my own kid. I never wanted kids and I'm absolutely terrified of babies and I still think that animals are waaay cuter than babies and this unexplainable feeling of being a mother is so new and weird. 

I don't know how to handle this feeling. I really want a baby so badly and I'm terrified that I'm going to be a horrible mom. SHIT! I just want to get rid of these load in my heart. 

On a happier note, all the reservations of getting married, all the cold feet, all the questions about if, he's the right guy has left my mind. What is on my mind right now is, he's the man I want to marry, grow old and have babies with. He's the one I want to start a little family with. 

How? I feel peaceful and calm and the 1.5 months apart really put things into perspective. 

1) I know for sure that I'm OK being alone and I'm not marrying him because I'm afraid of loneliness. 

2) I'm able to focus on my job and I'm not hung up on him. I can be independent as well as be with him. 

3) I trust him. Being 10,000 miles away from each other, 2 different continents, my day is his night, and I trust him. ENOUGH SAID. 

4) I miss him and I yearn for his hugs, kisses and touch. 

5) I love him. My heart skips a beat whenever I receive a call /SMS/ Whatsapp from him and the highlight of my day is still when we Skype. 

If I still have reservations about marrying him, I cannot bring myself to walk down that aisle. But, I don't and I cannot wait to marry him, be his wife and start a family. 

OK, I think that's all the issues in my heart now. 

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