Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The Perfect Storm

After the whole wedding fiasco, the hubby blames ME for every damn thing. He blamed me for ruining the wedding, he blamed me for wasting his money, somehow, he managed to blame every single thing on me. 

It's been so hard to even talk to him, because every single thing, he gets angry. At this point, I really don't want to fight. I'm tired and sick to keep fighting. In his hardened heart, He cannot seem to forgive me (not that I asked for him to forgive me), but whenever he screws up, he expects me to just forgive him. 

The 2 months before he left to Nigeria, he was THE MOST DIFFICULT PERSON TO LIVE WITH. Every single thing I say, he gets so angry and shouts at me. He even got crazy angry just because I made a copy of the housekeys and left it in the car! I mean, how can I even stand him, I really don't know. 

That was just an example, I couldn't talk to him anything about the wedding without him shouting like a fucking brat. Until the moment we were at the airport to see him off, he still had to pick a fight. He was angry that we had to leave the house earlier and he shouted. Then he asked me to pass him some money and all I asked was, "What is it for? Do you need more?" and he started a whole shouting spree in the fucking airport. 

For 2 months, I tolerated all his fucking bullshit and mistreatment and verbal abuse. It's OK, when he does shit like this, but when I even raise my voice trying to make him understand, he wants to be shouting there like a moron. 

Just 1 week AFTER the wedding, he asked me how much money is left in my account, when I showed it to him, he started his verbal abuse and asked me where his money went. I keep track of all the expenses in my organizer which was in the car, and I told him 7-8 times that I cannot answer because I don't fucking know! All the expenses are in the book, in the car. 

I told him repeatedly and he kept getting angrier and angrier and kept demanding to know about the expenses until I shouted that, "The book is in the car!!!" and he started screaming "Why the hell am I screaming at him?" I really don't understand him anymore... 

And that moron just unleashed a whole barrage of verbal abuse and screams. Telling me that he will "Slap my stupid fucking face" and honestly, I would've killed him if he was actually worth it. 

I really wish that I don't love him so much. I really wish that I could get into another accident so I can forget about, what a great man he USED to be. I really wish that the Good Lord can forgive me if this marriage doesn't work out. I wish that all this wishful thinking about him, going back to normal would come true.

Despite all this, he doesn't seem to realise that he's the problem. He even have the audacity to tell me that, "The way he's behaving right now, is the way I caused him to behave." 

Instead of taking a good hard look at himself, he's there blaming me for all HIS shortcomings and mistakes. Right now, I really, really hate Nigerians. From their country, all they ever do is complain, and blame others. For crying out loud, look at yourselves. 

I took it all in, forgave him, without him even asking for forgiveness and he wants to blame me for everything? What kind of man is this? This is NOT the man I fell in love with. Through all this shit, I loved him. I don't know what he's going through, I don't understand what he's going through and all I know is to be patient and love him. 

As of today, my love is running very low, after 11 days of marriage, of the hell that he put me through, I'm ready to abandon ship because I cannot keep loving him for the next 3 years if he's going to put me through all of this. Which loving husband would do, what he did to his wife?

My sister asked me, "If you're gonna leave him, did you try to do everything in your power to make this marriage work?" I did. I tried. What did he do, besides putting the blame on me, shouting at me, verbally and emotionally abusing me and threatening to hit me? What else did he do? 

Now, I just keep quiet, not because I'm scared of him, I don't have the energy to fight. I'm at my weakest point in life with so many illness that needs to be cured and the last thing I need is another fight. Whenever we fight, he ALWAYS say, "It's YOUR fault, YOU always start a fight." 

If I'm alone in a fucking room, can I fight with myself? 

If you're alone at home, can you fight with yourself? 

I take 50% of the blame but he wants me to take 100% of the blame. 

I really don't know who is he anymore.

Right now, he's just somebody that I used to know. 

If you tell me to sit down and talk to him, it doesn't work. 

To stay with him, what for? There's not much love left. 

To leave, seems very appealing. 

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