Saturday, September 26, 2015

#38Weeks

This last week has been excruciating. I've been to the hospital at least 2-3 times a week! 

1) My whole body is aching. It's like I over exercise myself and the pain never really goes away.

2) I think I'm leaking urine and I can't even control it. 

3) I'm always lying down in bed.

4) I'm too tired to do anything or go anywhere.

5) I hate myself.

6) My breast are leaking.

7) I'm just feeling sad all the fucking time. 

8) I really wanna be left alone.

9) I wanna be disconnected from the world. 

10) I hope that this is normal. 

RIP






This was Skipper. The first few years when we adopted him. He was handsome, stubborn, boisterous and always had a mind of his own. He loved to piss the whole family off, especially Daddy. He would bark at Daddy whenever Daddy ask him to sit. He would jump on Daddy's chair and rub his fur all over it.
Then, he would run in the house like some crazy dog to piss Mommy off and rummage through the rubbish bin. He would tear up letters and if left in the house, the whole curtains. He wasn't potty trained, or disciplined. He's the type of dog that would never win Dog of The Year, just because he doesn't give a f**k.

He has always been MINE because he would bark whenever I screamed. It was a training for him to know if I'm in danger. Then, he's so attached to me that I cannot leave my house/his sight without him barking till I came home. On Saturday when I sleep, he would sneak upstairs to look for me and jump and lick me till I wake up. He has always been there for me. No questions asked. 

In fact, he's used to doing whatever he wanted.... For almost 15 years. Today, again, he's stubborn for the last time and he spared me the decision to Put Him To Sleep. I've been crying my eyes out for 3 days now thinking that the treatments would work by Saturday.

Despite the fact that, being 4 years working in an animal clinic taught me otherwise. If he wasn't my dog, I know exactly what will happen. He won't last. But, he's more than my dog, he's my family, he's my everything. I'm guilty of wishful thinking.

He had kidney failure and he has suffered. He couldn't walk, move, stand up, lift his head up, eat, pee or poop. All he does is, to lie there. I guess, the pain was just too much.

All I want in the world right now, is to visit him for one last time. But, I can't. This is the first time I'm crying, and I have to wipe my own tears. My tears used to fall on his fur. That's why his fur is mostly white and not the glossy golden brown.

I've always thought that he would live forever. Well, baby comes soon and I would really love it if he could've waited to meet his baby. But dogs know. He knew that I'm going to be OK, and I might not need him as much anymore. I don't need to cry on his head anymore. I don't need hugs anymore because I have my hubby. 

Maybe he knows hubby will take care of me and he's also OK with it. But, I'm not OK with it because he died in a cage. (The whole vet clinic knows him because he ABSOLUTELY REFUSES TO BE IN CAGES AND HE WILL BARK FROM MORNING TILL NIGHT), All alone, and when they wrap his body, he was all alone as well. I didn't get to see him or kiss him goodbye, all I could do is stay at home and cry. 

I fucking feel so useless. After all that we've been through, I just forsaken him like that. 

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

RIP Per Per
2010-2015


This is him before he got admitted. He couldn't move and he was whining because he was in so much pain.


This was the first day he got admitted. He still couldn't move, eat, drink, pee or poo. He looked absolutely miserable.


This was the last day, a few hours before he died. Thank God Daddy visited him but he showed no interest and was just lying there. It really breaks my heart into a million pieces looking at him like that. 

I really hate myself. I can't cry cause it affects baby. I can't visit my only sweetheart and give him a proper send off. I've never been so emotional in my whole life. He was my world. I can't do shit. I can only sit here and cry my eyes out day and night. I really fucking hate myself. 

He has done everything to show me that I meant the world to him, and how did I show him I loved him? I started living my life and neglected him... I'm a horrible human being. 

Monday, September 07, 2015

#9Months #36Weeks

Whoever that said a pregnancy is 9 Freaking Months should be shot in the head resurrected and pulled apart by 4 horsemen!

I clarified with my Dr., and he said pregnancies are normally 40 weeks = 10 Months. and most doctors considers 39 weeks as full term. 

My boss said I look like a Beluga whale. I feel that I'm not that HUGE. Hubby said I looked pregnant and this is the worst month ever. 

1) I fell down. Had an event at work and had to be there by 8AM. When I tried to get up from the bed, I felt woozy and decided to rest longer and when I tried to wake up again, it was OK, until I left the car to the entrance of my office. That's when I felt vertigo and fell. 

2) After working through the weekend, My thighs are aching, my knee where I hit when I fell is bruised, my arms feel like they weight a ton and I might have pulled a tendon or muscle on my right butt cheek and lastly, I feel as if I had a gang bang, in my anal. Huge, swelling haemorrhoids. 

3) Right now, all I want is seafood and if I don't get seafood, all I wanna eat is Salmon. 

4) I'm very impressed with my antibody. Touch wood, I haven't gotten sick since I got pregnant. It must either be the Anmum milk or the pregnancy supplement. 

5) Tiredness is back in full swing..... 

6) I can feel baby kicking/ punching my ribs and all my vital organs. 

7) There's this indescribable feeling of "nesting" that makes me keep buying baby things to ensure baby has everything. 

8) My backache is killing me. 

9) I can't lie down on my back because I find it hard to breathe. 

10) Sleeping is difficult because my bladder gets really full and its hard for me to turn. 

On another note, hubby said he got me a gift!!! HAHAAH!!!