Thursday, October 22, 2015

Reality of Motherhood

My water broke at 6AM on the and had to be rushed to KPJ Damansara Specialist. By 7AM, I was already contracting. The nurses had to prep me and seriously, I really respect nurses. They inserted something into my anus and i started to remove whatever that was in my intestines. Then they attached the drips so I would contract faster. By 10AM, the contractions were excruciating. I felt I was stabbed twice in front and twice at the back. I tried standing, I tried moving, I tried lying on my side, I tried jumping lightly, I tried dancing, you name it, I tried it. 

By 12PM, I really couldn't take the pain and I requested for an epidural. That was because my dr told me, "Why am I fighting the pain? When I should be conserving my energy to push baby out". That too, hurt a bit, but not as much as the contractions. 

By 2PM, I was 8CM dilated but somehow my cervix (I think) wasn't opening up and baby's heart rate was dropping and the dr suggested to do an emergency C-Sec. I have full trust with Dr. Sivamohan and since baby's life was at stake, I agreed. 

Baby was born a few hours after that and one of the few reasons we chose KPJ Damansara Specialist is because its a breast feeding friendly hospital and babies room with mommies. 

This is when I saw baby for the first time. I'm still confused and there was no bond like the way, in the movies. I'm just tired, confused and looking at baby skeptically that just came out of my body. 

The reality of motherhood is, despite reading all the Pregnancy books, you'll still be stupid and not know what to do. I didn't know how to carry him, breast feed him or anything. Caring for a puppy was easier. I really envy my husband, he had that instantaneous bond with baby. He was carrying and kissing baby once he was born. 

Since the hospital is a breast feeding hospital, ALL mommies have to breast feed their babies and baby knows how to suckle but he only preferred the right breast because the left breast has a shorter nipple. By DAY 5, both my breast were terribly engorged and my nipples were bleeding. 

By the end of the first week, I had high fever and I wanted to stop breast feeding because it was just too stressful and painful for me and baby. I tried everything. If you know me, you know that I'm stubborn and I don't give up easily. I will only give up if I've tried my best and did not get the desired results. 

I tried different positions. Cradle, Football hold, etc, I bought all 3 different sizes of Medela Nipple shields, To "elongate" my left nipple, I would use my breast pump to suction the nipple before offering to baby. EVERYTHING FAILED. My nipples were swollen and bleeding, Baby had to be fed from a cup, when I pump my milk, it's pink cause of the blood and I had very high fever, my breast were engorged and Baby kept crying throughout the night. My mom, the hubby and I was fighting. 

The Hubby didn't approve of us feeding baby with a syringe. My mother was in pain when she saw how much I was in pain feeding baby and I was in pain, angry and frustrated that my baby had to be fed through a syringe/cup. It was a vicious cycle. I cried because I missed his little smile once he has breast fed and slept. The whole house was stressed out and filled with tension. 

My last solution was to call for a Lactation Specialist. 

This was how I met Dr. Ning. She came to my house the very next day.  She examined my breast and nipples, taught me how to hand express because the breast pump wasn't allowing my wound at my nipple to heal and taught me to massage and treat my breast and nipples. 

She also found out that baby had latching problems because he has tongue tie and for the next few days, Baby will be fed using the cup and we scheduled to see the dr to release baby's tongue tie. Hiring a Lactation Specialist was the best decision I've ever made because she managed to solve all my breast feeding problems. That, and also having very supportive colleagues that Whatsapp me every single day telling me to, not give up. 

This is the 3rd week and I'm happy to say that I'm still breastfeeding my baby. What made me push on is that, my 2 weeks old breastfed baby is able to raise his head and turn himself, things that only 1 month old babies do. Also, baby already knows how to differentiate between day and night. he sleeps through the night with 1-2 feedings and awake most times during the day. 

Even though I feel like a cow, I sleep, eat and feed him about 10-12 times a day, I feel happy that I'm able to give him a healthy head start in life. I'm able to ensure that he's healthy and that's the best kind of gift for a baby. 

I'm still not ready for motherhood, I'm still learning everyday but hey, it's only been 3 weeks and it has been a freakingly long and painful 3 weeks. I'm glad my stubborn-ness paid off. I'm glad I looked for help and I'm glad to be able to breastfeed my baby. 

For more info:
SusuIbu - Lactation Consultant
KPJ Damansara Specialist
Dato Dr. Sivamohan

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